2 weeks ago, I thought it would be a good idea to share my thoughts about the last few months and the metastatic diagnosis by writing a blog. To be honest, this was an entirely selfish act, I thought it would be good therapy and that writing would help me process what was happening. I did find it helpful. I left it hanging in the ether with a signpost from Facebook not really expecting many people to bother to read it. So I can tell you, that I was amazed and surprised to discover that it has now been read over 280 times. I am trying to work out why that gives me comfort. I think the answer lies in knowing I’m not alone. So many people have contacted me and I am once again blown away by the love and support shown to me. It means everything to know that you give enough of a shit to try to make me feel better. Please know it does and it always makes me smile. Thank you. I have received parcels, cards, messages and emails from people I haven’t heard from for decades. If you read the Facebook comments from the first blog you will know people used words like “brave” “courageous” “grace” and “strong”. I don’t recognise those strengths. That may sound fatuous and purposefully self-effacing, but I am being honest. I just keep on keeping on, because, as I’ve said before, I don’t have a choice. And that’s OK.
I had hoped that the last 2 weeks would be less of a chaotic whirlwind than the last few months and that I would get some quiet time to relax and process. The Gods were not in my favour. Instead, the day after I finished my radiotherapy, I went down with a stinker of a cold which resulted in a chest infection. I am on my second course of antibiotics now and it’s proving tricky to get rid of. This would be fine, were it not for the fact that I was due to have my second drug cycle this week. I had my blood test and the result was that my white blood cell count was below the threshold at which they would give me the treatment. So my oncologist has deferred the drugs until things improve. I also went to meet him this week to find out what the next steps are looking like but mostly to ask what would happen if the blood count didn’t improve. He promoted me to Professor Goswell – primarily because I respectfully irritate and badger him as much as I can. If I was ever a tenacious detail freak then I am now the most annoying, questioning, challenging, root-cause seeking impatient patient he can ever have met. I’m sure he enjoys it though.
Whilst it has been a fairly crappy fortnight, I take the positives where I can. I have had a few walks in the sunshine and despite having to cover the radiotherapy burns, I am loving the move from winter to summer. I have also eaten a lot of ice cream. Did we bypass Spring?
Please send your positive vibes to my white blood cells to get their shit together.
Look after yourselves.
Big love, AG x