Time after time

And as if by magic… 2019 is here. Time seemed to slow down in the run up to Christmas. My festive excitement built and built and all of a sudden it all happened and then it was Boxing Day and it was all over. Much fun was had by GozFam and even after 10 days under the same roof I didn’t have an argument with my sister. Let’s call this a Christmas miracle. It was a special and splendid time and I loved it. We celebrated quite hard and now that I am finally home, I think a recovery period may be required.



This seems a good time and opportunity to thank the very many people who have been incredibly generous to me and my family this Christmas. I can’t tell you the number of times we had to stop the dog biting a delivery van driver as another parcel arrived. It truly touches my heart that people are so thoughtful.

thank yyou

I have only been back two days and have already been back at the cancer centre twice, thanks to a festive hiccup and them forgetting to order my drugs. I really enjoyed the break from the schedule and the feeling of being away from it all over Christmas. It’s not easy to explain how relentless it is to be constantly on a treatment plan, making appointments, worrying about appointments, going to appointments and hoping, hoping, hoping the plan is still working. As the new year arrived I had an overwhelming sense that I needed to muster some energy to get back to the routine. With that came the realisation that there is no end to this.  I have to keep on, keeping on and for a minute that thought drained me and makes me feel somewhat suffocated. The removal of choice is not something I have ever been comfortable with and am having to adjust to. In the past I have left jobs to be unemployed and find a better alternative rather than stick out a situation that no longer makes me happy. I have walked away from situations and uprooted aspects of my life to make sure I am doing what is right for me. It may have taken a while, but I have changed what I needed to to live the life I love. But not this time. This stoically independent singleton is having to learn to adapt to the beat of an uninvited drum. Having to focus my life around any one thing is alien to me. Let alone something I despise with a fierce passion. It has finally dawned on me that I can’t walk away from this. I recognise I have been privileged thus far to live so selfishly, and not everybody has that opportunity. After all, we all have our challenges and I am not the only person facing in to 2019 with a slightly less than springy step. I am pulling my socks up and getting the hell on with it. Onward.

Before Christmas I referred myself to our local hospice – Hospice of St Francis. That sounds terribly sinister but they, like many hospices, are focusing on out-patient care. Particularly helping people manage serious illness and living their lives well. The reason for my connecting to them is that as my oncology treatment plan seems to be under control, I now need to focus on my wellbeing. I hope to take a more holistic approach in 2019 and look after myself physically and mentally. My goal (old HR habits die hard!) is to get myself in the best position possible to put up the best fight I can for as long as possible. This may involve less cake and wine, but every lining has it’s cloud. So far I am scheduled to meet a physiotherapist and occupational therapist as well as have a course of massage to attempt to alleviate some of the ever present aches and pains. I will report back on my progress. My experience so far is that it is an uplifting place to be and the people I have been in touch with have been angelic.

Otherwise my treatment continues. Today I start the 10th cycle of the targeted therapy. The 4 weekly hormonal implant, daily hormonal tablets and bone strengthening injections are ongoing. I am scheduled for a full body MRI in the 2nd week of January. This of course means another visit to the hell hole and a week of massive scanxiety. I am in the process of arranging my February annual check ups – so that will be mammograms and ultrasounds, pokings and proddings and that will be the end of this annual cycle and the whole process begins again. February 2018 was actually the most shockingly awful month imaginable, so I am looking forward to getting the 2nd canciversary over and done with.

After my trip to the cancer centre this morning I headed to the closest park.  The sun was out, it was super chilly but it was a good day to walk a few miles and take in some ozone. I am back on the bus and have much to be grateful for.




Happy New Year. May your 2019 be full of love and light.

Big love, AG xx





One of my all time favourites:

Time after time, Cindy Lauper:

….If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting
Time after time

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has
Turned to gray
Watching through windows
You’re wondering if I’m okay
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time…

2 thoughts on “Time after time

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