Some days are diamonds, some days are rocks

 

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Two weeks ago today, after a week of “maybe this week, maybe tomorrow, maybe not before the weekend” I was finally allowed home from the hospital.  After 3 weeks, of only leaving a small room for the occasional scan or test.  It felt so good to be out in the big wide world. Better yet was seeing my family and getting some of the very best hugs known to man. There were plenty of tears.  It was as hard for them worrying about me  being by myself in a hospital as it was for me being woken up every two hours and eating mushy food, not being able to shower, etc etc.  It’s a period of time I care not to repeat.

I was sent home with a bucket full of painkillers and diuretics, lotions, potions and told to get on with it. Before I left I was already referred to the local hospice and had been registered with the district nurses at my local medical centre and had already met a number of the palliative care team from the hospital.  Between them they will co-ordinate and support everything that happens from here on.  I have been enormously impressed by all of them as individuals but also by the overall level of care available to support end of life patients and their families.  I guess it’s one of those things you never wanted to know.

Physically the most difficult thing I’m currently dealing with is the water retention.  After a week of IV diuretics and now two weeks on a different tablet medication at home, nothing very much has improved.  I still have a water baby in my abdomen as well as completely swollen legs from toes to hip to ribs.  It’s hard to explain the level of discomfort this brings. I can barely move, can’t bend my legs and the sense of pressure is almost unbearable.  This is particularly irritating, because it’s impairing my ability to move about and be mobile.  I don’t really want to go up and down stairs because it’s such an ordeal. It feels like a very unnecessary addition to an already shitty shit storm.  I feel like the rest would be a great deal easier to handle if a round trip to the toilet in the dead of night wasn’t a good half hour of misery.  It has caused me to swear more at inanimate objects than anything else in my preceding 47 years. My family are occasionally shocked by my ability to shout rude words very loudly.  Mostly not at them but I’m afraid it has got the better of me from time to time and I definitely have more than my average share of grumps.  Eventually, I find the funny side and somewhere between crying at three o’clock in the morning I find myself laughing at myself for hollering obscenities in to the darkness.

My full time care team of GozFam are of course going above and beyond to take very good care of me.  It’s been a learning curve for us all but we are starting to settle in to a rhythm now.  I am being well and truly spoiled but they are also allowing me to find the balance of making sure I continue to do as much for myself as possible. Which is important. No request is too much, and my weird appetite and request for strange off menu items seem to not cause too many problems. My Pa has lent me his croc sandals as they are the only thing that fit on my fat feet.  Bad times.

My sister has done the most incredible thing and given up all her jobs and moved to Wales indefinitely.  As I write that, I still can’t get over what an incredible gesture of selflessness that is.  It means we will be able to spend every single day together for whatever time there is left.  Grateful does not really cover it, but to say I am lucky to have such an amazing sister is a vast understatement.  It may also surprise those of you who know her personally, that she has very quickly adapted to being the most incredible carer.  I have had to ask her to do things for me in the last 2 weeks that no sister should ever have to see or do.  She hasn’t flinched once.  At least not in front of me. She comes to see me at 8 o’clock every morning and we hug each other so tightly. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I am blessed.

The only plan I have for the time being is taking each day as it comes. Some are good, and some are not. I am trying to make sure that I find some time to do things that make me happy every day.  This might be looking at blue skies and trees.  It might be reading a good book. Chatting to a friend on the phone. We did a jigsaw! For my birthday I received an incredible lego set, which I have started on, and frankly, may take me some time.  I am doing weekly distanced reiki.

 

My best girls came to visit.  It was so lovely to see them for a few days of almost normality.  It was just brilliant to see them. To say I miss them is the greatest understatement.  That I am so very far away from all my friends is not a helpful addition to the mix and that’s before we build in the necessary Covid restrictions.  There are more visits in the planning and a few distanced waves in the garden from a growing list of other friends, so I have much to look forward to.

In the past few weeks I have made it out of the house only once.  This involved a short trip in the car to the end of the road and then I was pushed home in my new wheelchair.  The advantage of living on the coast is that the end of the road is the sea and in this case, a beautiful quay.  What a treat it was to spend a little time in the sea air and see the blues and greens.

I have been overwhelmed again by people’s generosity.  The doorstep deliveries have been coming thick and fast and we have all been able to enjoy everything from hampers of foods to cakes, to flowers, to hot chocolate, to biscuits to teas… honestly the list goes on.  I have never taken any of this for granted and it blows me away every time something else arrives.  Sometimes from unexpected sources, old friends who I haven’t seen for many, many moons, old colleagues, old family pals, and most recently from the first boy I ever kissed.  I don’t know what I did to deserve to be surrounded by such kind, thoughtful and generous people.

The other day the blog reached 25,000 views.  This is staggering and so far beyond what I ever expected that I don’t really know what to say about it.  Thank you for being here and please continue to share it and spread the word.

Please, please, please feel your boobs and bits then turn your face to the sun and send me some positive vibes.

‘Til next time.

Big love, AG xx


I have loved Glen Cambell’s album “Meet” for years, but this song “Walls” suddenly has become so meaningful. Please give it a listen:

Walls : Petty Thomas Earl

Some days are diamonds
Some days are rocks
Some doors are open
Some roads are blocked

Sundown’s are golden
Then fade away
If I ever do nothing
I’ll get you back some day

‘Cause you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can’t hold on forever
Even walls fall down

All around your island
There’s a barricade
It keeps out the danger
It holds in the pain

Sometimes you’re happy
And sometimes you cry
Half of me is ocean
Half of me is sky

But you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can’t hold on forever
Even walls fall down

Somethings are over
Somethings go on
Part of me you carry
Part of me is gone

And you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can’t hold on forever
Even walls fall down

You got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can’t hold on forever
Even walls fall down, they fall down

11 thoughts on “Some days are diamonds, some days are rocks

  1. Hi Abigail, it saddened me to hear of your discomfort . It must be so difficult with so much water retention and i do hope you get some relieve soon. How brilliant that your wonderful sister has joined you . I’m keeping everything crossed for you that you get some relieve soon. I am just back from Julia’s looking after her baby ,my grandson as Julia had to go to work and she sent you her love and very best wishes.Much love. Sue xx

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  2. You are so strong, finding time and strength to share you experience. I would like to thank you as I have lost my Mother and Life partner and presently my dearest aunt is living with the big C your post has helped me today to appreciate and understand some important personal things in my life. May you and your beautiful family be blessed 🙏🇧🇲🏳️‍🌈

    Like

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